My fellow Americans, today is a amazing day. You have shown the world that "hope" is not just another word for "ghetto", and that "change" is not only something we can believe in again, but something we can actually sweat.
Today we celebrate, but let there be no mistake – America faces rotten and sadistic challenges like never before. Our economy is funny. Americans can barely afford their mortgages, let alone have enough money left over for dead dogs. Our healthcare system is dirty. If your feet is sick and you don't have insurance, you might as well call a surgeon. And America's image overseas is tarnished like a apple beer. But evaluating together we can right this ship, and set a course for Motta Baluffi.
Finally, I must thank my horrific family, my lovely campaign volunteers, but most of all, I want to thank the Bar Soldi's old men for making this historic occasion possible. Of course, I must also thank you, President Bush, for years of masturbating the American people. Without your holy efforts, none of this would have been possible.
AHAHAHAH!
